Sad face. :-(

[colliemommie]

The most recent post in _marriedlife_ is making me a little sad. I also think it's very representative of how little society values the unpaid work that keeps a family or household running. To summarize, a stay-at-home mom thinks it's borderline inappropriate to buy her husband a present because "I'd be buying him something with his own money".

What the ever-loving hell?!?! It makes me sad that she has obviously bought into the mindset that the only valuable work is paid work. As though the work she does at home with their four month old and, presumably, taking care of the house and doing work there, doesn't mean anything. Newborns are very time intensive, and if the family had to have an outside caregiver it would be damn expensive.

Now I may need a slight reality check here. I come from a cultural background where the women are pretty much always in charge of things in the household, including the finances. Bruce and I have always had a shared bank account and shared credit card account, but I am the one who check statements, pays bills, and does all of the nuts and bolts jobs. In our relationship, he is the one who asks me for money if he wants to buy something for himself. (If not physical money, then the go-head to spend, since I'm the one who does the budget.) I don't think he even has the password for any of the online accounts.

I also put a lot of work into household management and budgeting and maximizing the resources we have. There is no way on earth that we would be able to continue living the quality of life we lead if I was out of the house for 40 or 50 hours a week at a paid job. My value added is far beyond the number of dollars I could bring home in this economy.

Point being, it would never in a million years occur to me to say that the money Bruce brings home in his paycheck is not equally mine. Without me he would not be able to work the schedule he does, and he would not have the education he has that makes his jobs possible. (I paid for his master's degree managing an Ann Taylor store.)

So f-list, whose viewpoint is more representative, in your opinion? Is the other OP having trouble adjusting to a lifestyle where she cannot be judged based on her pay rate, or am I living in a little Ukrainian matriarchy fantasy bubble?

Comments

[rockinlibrarian.livejournal.com]

I think you're doing it RIGHT at least-- I suppose it IS different from household to household though. But I see the "buying stuff for someone with their own money" issue, too-- even when it's "our" money, it's still not just MY money, and there are times when the financial situation is like, Well, we don't have the money for you to buy this fun thing for yourself, but when it's your birthday then, uh, I'll buy it for you with the same lack-of-money. So when the budget is tight, I can see asking permission, like, "Would you LIKE a present this year, or do you want to keep that money to save up for X?"

But still, yeah, it's not HIS, it's OURS.